“Take your stinking paws off of me you damn dirty Santa’s Hitching Post employee!”  That’s what a group of activist would have you believe three captive chimpanzees in Gloversville, NY, would say if they ever perfect that pill that allows apes to talk. Earlier this a week, a motion was filed to not only have these three apes transferred to a primate sanctuary but also lays claim that animals, or more directly these three chimps, are people.

“When we visited Tommy, we found him in a small cage at the back of a dark shed at a trailer sales park that’s also home to a business called Santa’s Hitching Post that rents out reindeer for Christmas shows and other entertainment. Tommy was all by himself—his only company being a TV on a table on the opposite wall. Three years ago, to the best of our knowledge, there were four chimpanzees at Santa’s Hitching Post, and not long before that there were six.

The legal cause of action that we are using is the common law writ of habeas corpus, through which somebody who is being held captive, for example in prison, seeks relief by having a judge call upon his captors to show cause as to why they have the right to hold him.” –gothamist

I am all about animal rights and protecting creatures like the chimpanzee, but I don’t think we need to try to sell people that they are humans too. The last thing we need is to classify a bunch of less intelligent primates as humans in this country. If monkeys and apes become human, then think about what that will do to our unemployment numbers. Not to mention there is no way these chimps will contribute anything in tax dollars. And do you really think chimpanzees will conform to the civilized use of a public restroom?

I’d rather just enjoy them for the fun-loving non-working class animal that they already are.