There are many things about a jolly fat man covered in stranger’s kids that rubs me the wrong way, however I’ve compiled a list of just 10. Here are the ten reasons why I think Santa is absolutely creepy.

#1. He watches you while you sleep

This is creepy on any level. I had a roommate in college who would watch me sleep and never did he bring me a gift

#2. He watches when you’re awake

Even when I shower? Or even worse, sitting at the computer for my “alone” time?

#3. He sneaks into your house when every one is in bed

That’s a breaking and entering! How is it OK to break the law Santa?

#4. He has been alive for hundreds of years

How can a man who clearly has been at serious risk of type 2 diabetes for centuries still be alive? That’s some hocus pocus S*** and I can’t trust a man like that.

#5. He always wants you to sit on his lap

I had an uncle who always insisted I sit on his lap as well. “Happy graduation Dalton! Now, come sit on uncle kith’s lap”. Sorry Santa, these days that's not so normal.

#6. He lives with reindeer

The implications I could make, however I will let your imagination run wild instead.

#7. He has a gigantic beard

There is no telling what has fallen into that beard of his and judging by his diet of cookies & milk it has got to smell pretty rank. I spilled milk in my car once and it smelled like vomit for weeks! Santa has been alive for how long?

#8. He Puts his finger ever so close to his nose

That finger is going in some day…or has. Do not shake his hand.

#9. He lives in a secluded area away from society

You know who else lived like this? Ted Kaczynski!

#10. He wears the color red

That’s an awful lusty color for a man of his age to be parading around in, god only knows what thoughts have been stirring in that jolly lusty old head of his all year long. Now that he’s on the prowl this Christmas eve... Be aware!